So, apparently it’s Bark Fest 2012 at my house today, so excuse me if I sound a bit annoyed.
A few months back, I went back to the doctor’s office, this time seeing a different doctor to figure out if there’s anything we could do for my hands, which have not improved. My previous doctor had left, and the one they had assigned me seemed to be quite annoying. From the vibe I was getting from her, it seemed like she thought Fibromyalgia was a made up disease, and clearly my pain was a lie I told to get attention. It’s not uncommon, unfortunately, still to find this attitude, but you’d think with all the Lyrica commercials out there, people would start to get that it actually exists. Anyway, I knew that I had one more test I could take, and I figured I couldn’t get out of it this time: The dreaded Nerve Conduction Study.
My first real job, I worked as a medical transcriber. I hadn’t taken any courses, but my piano playing gave me speedy typing and I was blessed with great spelling, so I made it work. Now it hurt, I’ve had wrist pain since I was 8, but I was able to make it work. I only worked on week-ends, summer breaks, and winter breaks while I was in school. Nowadays I can’t even dream of doing such a thing. My hands would take about 10 minutes and then give up. It was incredibly boring, but work was work. It wasn’t like anyone was paying me to compose music for Korean kids to learn English with… yet. In any case, there was a Neurologist, he said he didn’t even give Nerve Condition Studies because it hurt people too much, and he wasn’t up for that. Since then, the Nerve Conduction Study has been my greatest feared test… that and spinal taps… just cause they sound weird/painful/could make it so you never walk again.
It was time though, I told my doctor I was ready for answers, and if that was going to give it to me, I’d take the test. If the test lead to surgery, so be it. Still, I imagined the test would feel like Luke did, getting force lightninged by Palpatine. So, I was able to schedule the test… two months out. Yay. It was a long time to wait for answers and a test I dreaded for years, but if that was the only way to answers, so be it.
My appointment finally came. And I guess, it wasn’t quite as bad as force lightning, but everyone said it wouldn’t be that bad, or it couldn’t be all that bad… well… not entirely. Here’s what happened, my internal dialogue will be in italics.
Doctor: “Your nerve is really sensitive.”
Are oranges orange?
Doctor: “Does your neck hurt?”
Me: “Yes.”
Doctor: “How often?”
Try 24/7. You are familiar with Fibromyalgia correct?
He then hooked me up to electrodes and shocked me many many times. Most of these were tolerable, but really lame to have to deal with. I tried not to flinch, as for some reason, I get excited when they write down that I tolerated tests well and didn’t make an idiot of myself. Then he put the needles in.
Doctor: Some people actually find the needles less painful.
Okay, I hope that’s the case, ’cause that hurt a lot, but at least I didn’t scream.
The first two hurt, yes, but tolerable. Then he put the one in my thumb. I didn’t know one single needle could hurt SO BAD!
Expletive, Expletive, Expletive, and AAAAAAHHHHH KELLY CLARKSON!
And at the end of it all, he said,
“Well, my part’s done, I did the test. There’s no nerve damage and no nerve compression.”
And with that, I started tearing up. I had gone through all that pain an anticipation for nothing. No answers, no treatment, no improvement. Crap. It’s been a couple of weeks since and I’ve basically gotten over feeling like it sucks to hear that there’s nothing happening with my nerves that they can pinpoint (ha ha!), but it still makes me annoyed.
Everyone’s going off how the next game’s soundtrack’s gonna be. How cool it’s gonna be, expecting that I will get it done in a timely manner, that at some point my hands will be well enough to play again, or I should just work through the pain, and just take it. Sleep is for wussies anyway. I’m sure there’s no malice to it, they just know my hands always hurt and I somehow make it work, although some of the soundtracks have been a bit shorter for it. Strangely, I had a dream recently with my grandfather in it. Now, I have dreams now and then with my grandmother in it, the one that taught me piano, she’s mostly by herself, but this dream had both in it. Both my grandparents have passed on, but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss them. Seeing them in my dreams is a great gift that makes me feel like they’re still watching us. Now, some may think, they’re just dreams, they say what you want them to say. Sure, that may be the case, but either way, it gives me hope and comfort. So, they just showed up, mid-dream, I don’t even know what I was dreaming about, but this seems to happen when I see my grandparents or people that have passed on, they just sort of show up. I hugged them both, and my grandfather said to me: “No one can force you to do something you can’t physically do, but just do what you can, and go from there.” So… we’ll see what happens.
marybethmagallanes 